ang bao money NOT ENOUGH

“ang bao money NOT ENOUGH” – reports “my paper”[1] on 14th August.

It would be scary for poor folks like some of you and me if guests are tacitly expected by tradition to give what is enough to cover the costs of luxurious wedding banquets for which they have no say. What exactly is enough really depends on the extravagance of the host, and it has been advised that a $100 gift may no longer be enough.

Imagine the case when a very wealthy family decides for a grand wedding celebration at six-star St Regis and guests are expected to be dressed in their super-formal-finery, but many of the invited guests are the young friends and colleagues of the bride or groom who have just started on their career. To add to these guests’ financial anguish, they may have a number of wedding invitations lining up from among the many of marrying age in their social circle. Or the case of relatives who are obligated to attend the occasion but are not even a quarter as financially disposed as the host to throw money at a posh dinner. The bride and groom may enjoy their day, but at the financial distress of the underprivileged guests.

An assistant director of events management, who is getting married this year, said in the report, "Personally, I'd rather have a guest who turns up with his heartfelt wishes without a red packet than a guest who doesn't turn up but sends a red packet as a means of congratulation."

It is very thoughtful of him to value the guests’ attendance more than the gifts, and acknowledge that red packets are just a bonus. I trust that he will have a great celebration of his big day with a lot of friends and relatives in attendance to share his happiness. In contrast, it would be less cheery if a large number of guests simply send their red packets of congratulations.

The following is a sample of comments from readers of the my paper report:

“In Malay tradition, they don't expect to cover their cost from red packets given by guests. Instead, they feel it is an honour that their friends and families have come.In western cultures, we receive gifts, but if we want to have a super grand wedding, that's our problem. If we end up spending tens of thousands of dollars or hundreds of thousands, that's our problem, not the guest's.”

I recall an occasion when I asked an Indian acquaintance casually about their cultural tradition regarding invitations and gifts. He was very quick and spontaneous in his response that the host would be most happy to see the guests turning up to share in the joy of the occasion; the amount of gift that the guests would like to offer is secondary.

I feel that the true meaning of “an invitation to celebrate” should not be lost to a hidden meaning of “an invitation to share with us the cost of our wedding extravaganza”. Ideally, a sincere invitation to share joy should be from the heart; and reciprocally, a sincere gift in cash or kind (regardless of size) should be from the heart and not from hard-nosed financial calculation of gain or loss. Regrettably, there exist some habits of counting and comparing gift sizes to measure the relative worth of the guests – be they friends or kin. Friends who are measured as of little worth will be off the list for future invitations; in other words, poorer ones do not have friend-enough merit to share the joy of a wedding celebration.

Not surprisingly, “Three wedding planners “my paper” spoke to agreed that where the wedding dinner is held plays a big part, as does the relationship the giver has with the bridal couple. And guests should take into account the rising costs when deciding how much to give.”

Not surprising indeed that there is no advice by the wedding planners (being financially-interested party) to their potential customers about taking into account the financial wherewithal of the guests so that they do not end up being bankrupted by one invitation after another with an unhelpful expectation on their pocket. As a matter of reciprocity, if hosts expect guests to be thoughtful of their expenses, shouldn’t the hosts likewise be considerate of the cost to their guests? If he who pays the piper calls the tune, conversely it must that those who call the tune (on the scope of celebratory indulgence) should be prepared to pay the wedding planners and the restaurants and not pass the financial responsibility to others.

If a poor friend attending a six-star wedding celebration is not friend enough to give an appropriately-sized red packet or to afford a formal suit/gown befitting the grandiosity of the event with bigwigs in attendance, surely it is not friend enough for the wealthy host to impose on the poor guy to dig deep into his pocket to open up a big hole when his pocket is simply shallow. If the wedding couple are wealthy enough to hold a grand celebration, it must be implied that they can afford it and so the guests’ financial contribution is not critical to the success of a joyful celebration. If, on the contrary, the wedding couple can ill afford the cost without the charity of guests to share joy of the occasion and the expense as a package, I would think that there is something not right with the wedding planning and the responsibility cannot be pushed to the guests. Ultimately, for the cost of the mistake in planning borne by the wedding couple and guests, the people laughing all the way to the bank are the commercial wedding planners and the restaurants!

As wedding dinners become more and more expensive, a word to describe the phenomenon is “inflation”. What goes up may come down and what comes down may go up; it all depends on supply and demand. The people feeding the demand for high-cost functions are the wealthy (of limited numbers) and the not-so-wealthy (larger numbers) who 打肿脸皮充胖子[2]，encouraged and supported by the ang bao contributions. The commercial purveyors of profits will continue to test the market and push the price limit (just like landlords pushing up rentals), and at the same time encouraging continuing extravagant consumption by a host of marketing ploys. Now, $100 hongbao for a dinner is not enough; very soon, $200 will not be enough. How will guests afford if hosts can’t? If oil prices went up and then came down, hopefully dinner prices will also come down with smart consumers (those who pay) learning how to reign in their spending. They who spend irresponsibly will reap the consequence of having to contend with ever higher prices for any future wedding planning to come – whether personal or otherwise.

Going back to the my paper report, a pharmacist mentioned that his banquet for 290 people at a five-star hotel set him back $25000. I believe that he was well able to afford it. This example does give us an inkling of the cost issue and it is well worth all who are planning their weddings to take into serious consideration. If you are planning a wedding dinner and you can afford a banquet at Ritz Carlton or Raffles, it should be fine for you to go for it. However, if you plan to invite me to share your joy by the Chinese tradition of “financial participation”, then a dinner at a mid-level Chinese restaurant may be easier on my pocket.

Perhaps, Jack Neo should start planning his Money No Enough 3 movie (alternative title: ang bao money NOT ENOUGH) to reflect this social issue.

From the Christian standpoint, the dignity and spiritual significance of a holy matrimony should not ride on extravagance, especially when it is beyond one’s means. A beautiful nuptial for a happily-ever-after life together as a couple should not be embarrassingly commandeered by long-lasting debt-servicing – the price of splendour for a day. It would be highly regrettable if a once-in-a-lifetime celebration becomes an enduring misery due to financial imprudence. Let me conclude with this piece of quality advice from Ken Esau[3], who teaches Old Testament and marriage and family courses at Columbia Bible College, Abbotsford, B.C.:

“The celebratory joy should come from the event and not from the extravagance of the flowers, location or reception, though all these can add to the enjoyment. Ideally guests should remember the strength and maturity of the couple as they committed themselves to one another and praised the awesome God who brought them together. Simplicity is more likely to keep the focus of the celebration on people and God rather than on the less important.”

John Lee
[1] http://www.mypaper.com.sg/
[2] Pretending to be a fat man by slapping one’s own face swollen; pretending to be rich by pumping up an external appearance of wealth.
[3] http://www.mbconf.ca/home/products_and_services/resources/theology/pamplet_series/making_our_weddings_christian/